---
title: Why Is It So Awkward to Tell Someone You Appreciate Them?
description: Research suggests we overestimate how awkward gratitude will be and underestimate how good it feels to receive. Here's how to say it well.
---

[optYOUmize | Live Better, Not Busier — A Whole-Life Philosophy](https://www.optyoumize.com/blog)

# [Why Is It So Awkward to Tell Someone You Appreciate Them?](https://www.optyoumize.com/blog/why-is-it-so-awkward-to-tell-someone-you-appreciate-them)

 Written by [Brett Ingram](https://www.optyoumize.com/blog/author/brett-ingram) | Oct 9, 2026, 2:19:34 PM

# Why Is It So Awkward to Tell Someone You Appreciate Them?

By **[Brett Ingram](https://www.optyoumize.com/about)** | Last updated October 5, 2026 | 6 minute read

It feels awkward because we picture the moment from our own side: we worry about finding the right words and about making the other person uncomfortable. But research suggests we guess wrong. In a set of experiments published in *Psychological Science*, people who wrote letters of appreciation underestimated how happy and surprised the recipients would be, and overestimated how awkward the recipients would feel. So the short answer is yes, it's worth doing, and no, your wording doesn't need to be perfect. A specific, sincere "here's what you did and what it meant to me" does most of the work.

## The Simple Answer

Expressing appreciation feels risky because the cost is up front (you feel exposed) and the payoff belongs to someone else (they feel valued). That's a lopsided trade in your head. In practice, the person on the receiving end rarely sees it as a performance to be graded. They see it as someone having noticed them.

## What Did the Research Actually Find?

The study behind this is **["Undervaluing Gratitude: Expressers Misunderstand the Consequences of Showing Appreciation"](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29949445/)** by Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley, published in 2018. Across four experiments, participants wrote letters to someone who had made a positive difference in their lives. Researchers asked the writers to predict how the recipients would react, then asked the recipients how they actually felt.

According to the University of Chicago's **[summary of the research](https://www.chicagobooth.edu/media-relations-and-communications/press-releases/expressing-your-gratitude-is-more-powerful-than-you-think)**, writers underestimated how surprised the recipients would be about why they were being thanked, underestimated how happy the recipients would feel, and overestimated how awkward the recipients would feel. The writers also spent a lot of mental energy on how well they were expressing themselves, while the recipients mostly responded to the warmth of the gesture.

| What the letter writer worried about | What the study found about recipients |
| --- | --- |
| "This will make them uncomfortable." | Recipients felt less awkward than writers predicted. |
| "They probably already know how I feel." | Recipients were more surprised than writers expected. |
| "It'll be a nice gesture, I guess." | Recipients were happier than writers expected. |
| "I need to word this perfectly." | Recipients responded mostly to the warmth, not the polish. |

A fair caveat: these were controlled experiments where people chose someone they actually felt grateful to, and they're not a guarantee about every thank-you in every situation. But the direction of the miscalculation is consistent and a little humbling. We lowball how much our appreciation will land.

## Why Do We Assume They Already Know?

This is the quiet saboteur. You've been friends for fifteen years. Surely she knows you value her. Maybe. But "surely she knows" is also a comfortable excuse, because it lets you skip the part that feels exposed.

Think about the opening of *Love Actually*, with all those people hugging at the arrivals gate. Nobody in that montage is reading a polished speech. They just showed up and said the obvious thing out loud. It works on screen because the obvious thing, said out loud, is rarer than it should be. In real life, most of us go years without saying it.

If you've ever felt **[lonely even inside a relationship](https://www.optyoumize.com/blog/why-do-you-feel-lonely-in-a-relationship)**, this is part of the story. Closeness isn't only built by what two people feel. It's built by what they say, and what gets noticed.

## Does Saying "Thank You" Actually Help You, Too?

It seems to. The UC Berkeley Greater Good Science Center describes a **[gratitude letter practice](https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/gratitude_letter)** built on a 2005 study by Martin Seligman and colleagues. Of the five exercises they tested, writing and delivering a gratitude letter showed the greatest benefit to people's happiness one month later, although the effect faded by six months, which is why Berkeley suggests repeating it periodically.

The same page also notes that results vary across cultures. Some groups saw smaller well-being gains, and in at least one study of Indian adults, the exercise stirred up feelings of guilt and indebtedness. So this isn't a magic trick. It's a human practice, and humans differ on how they like to be thanked. Pay attention to who you're thanking.

## How Do You Say It Without Making It Weird?

Here's a simple four-part structure. It's my own working template, loosely based on the practice Berkeley describes, not a validated protocol. It takes about ten minutes.

### 1. Name the person and the moment.

Be specific about what they did. "You helped me a lot" is fine. "The week I got laid off, you showed up with soup and didn't ask me a single question about my plan" is better.

### 2. Say what it made possible.

What changed because of it? The job you took, the confidence you got back, the way you now do something. This is the part that's usually the surprise.

### 3. Say what you see in them.

A line about who they are, not just what they did. "That's who you are, and I don't think you know how much it matters."

### 4. Ask for nothing.

No setup for a favor, no "so anyway, speaking of which." A thank-you with an agenda stops being a thank-you.

| Vague | Specific |
| --- | --- |
| "Thanks for everything." | "Thanks for staying on the phone with me that night. I'd have quit if you hadn't." |
| "You're a great boss." | "When you let me present that proposal myself, I learned I could. I still use that." |
| "I appreciate you." | "You always remember the small stuff. It makes me feel like I'm on your mind." |

## What If You Can't Do It in Person?

A text works. A handwritten card works. A voicemail works. The Berkeley practice favors delivering it in person, which makes sense, but if the alternative is never saying it, send the text. Many of us wait for the perfect format and end up with no format at all.

And if the person has died, or you've lost touch, writing the letter anyway still has value. It's a good way to **[savor what you were given](https://www.optyoumize.com/blog/what-is-savoring-and-why-are-you-rushing-past-your-life)** instead of rushing past it.

## A Smaller Habit: Respond Like It Matters

You don't need to write a letter every week. Day to day, one of the most underrated ways to show appreciation is simply to respond with real interest when someone shares good news. We cover that in our post on **[active constructive responding](https://www.optyoumize.com/blog/what-is-active-constructive-responding)**. Thanking someone is the big gesture. Responding well is the daily one. Both say: I noticed you.

## Frequently Asked Questions

### Why is it so hard to say thank you to people close to me?

Closeness raises the stakes. Saying something sincere to a friend or family member feels more exposed than thanking a stranger, and we often assume they already know. Research suggests we overestimate how awkward the moment will be for the other person.

### Is a text okay, or does it have to be a letter?

A text is fine. The research on gratitude letters shows the gesture and the specificity matter more than the medium or polish. A short, specific message sent today beats a perfect letter you never write.

### What if they brush it off or seem uncomfortable?

That can happen, and people differ in how they receive praise. It doesn't mean the thank-you failed. Let them respond however they respond, don't push for a big reaction, and trust that it registered.

### How often should I express appreciation?

There's no ideal number. The Berkeley Greater Good page notes that the benefits of a gratitude letter faded after several months in Seligman's study and suggests repeating the practice periodically. In daily life, small, specific acknowledgments tend to feel more natural than occasional grand gestures.

## Where This Leaves You

Somebody is on your mind right now. A teacher, a former boss, a friend you've drifted from, a parent. You've probably been meaning to say something for a while. The research suggests the odds are better than your nerves are telling you. This kind of small, deliberate move is what our **[Relationships & Connection](https://www.optyoumize.com/relationships-connection)** pillar is about: building closeness on purpose, in ordinary ways, before it's urgent. Pick the person. Write three sentences. Send it today.

[View full post](https://www.optyoumize.com/blog/why-is-it-so-awkward-to-tell-someone-you-appreciate-them)

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